JOKES
Got a Good one ?
E-mail me with it and I'll share.
3 POINTS OF VIEW
Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God. During
dinner He told them: "I need three important people to send my message out to all
people -
Tomorrow I will destroy the earth"
Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them: "I have two really bad
news items for you:
1. God really exists, and
2. Tomorrow He will destroy the earth"
Clinton called an Emergency meeting of the Senate & Congress and told them: "I
have good news & bad News:
1. God really does exist
2. The bad news is tomorrow, He's destroying the earth"
Bill Gates went back to Microsoft and happily announced: "I have two fantastic
announcements
1. I am one of three most important people in the world and
2. The Year 2000 problem is solved"
A police officer pulled over a red Corvette after it had run a stop sign. "May I see
your driver's license and registration please?" "What's the problem,
officer?" "Your just ran the stop sign back there at the last
intersection." "Oh, come on pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me".
"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and
proceed with caution." "You gotta be kidding me!" "It's no joke,
sir". "Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within
twenty miles, and proceeded with caution." "That's beside the point, sir. You
are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license
and…" "You've sure got a lot of time on your hands. What's the matter, all
the doughnut shops closed?" "Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see
your license and registration immediately!" "I will, if you can tell me the
difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop." " Sir, I can do
better than that." He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and
proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick."
"Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"
A student comes back to the dorm & finds his roommate near tears. "What's the
matter pal ?" he asked. "I wrote home for my parents to send money so that I
could buy a laptop, and they sent me the laptop." he moaned.
It was a really hot day at the office. There were about 20 people in close quarters and
everyone was sweating, even with a fan on. All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle
their noses at an odor passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had
ever smelt. One man said, "Uh oh, someone's deodorant isn't working." A man in
the corner replied, "It can't be me. I'm not wearing any."
Lately I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the hereafter. Several times a day,
I’ll go into another room to get something, then ask myself "What am I here
after?"
Subject: THINGS WE CAN LEARN FROM A DOG:
Never pass up an opportunity to go for a joy ride
Allow the experience of fresh air & the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
When it is in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they have invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you are not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you are scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout.
A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise cattle. Friends
came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name. "Well," said the
would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one
son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the =
Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy_Y." "But, where are all your cattle?" "None
have survived the branding."
Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going
to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that
day, and he was right about that too."
Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"
Fellow 1 : "A judge told him."
The bartender asks him "What'll you have?". The guy answers, "A scotch,
please". The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five
dollars", to which he replies "What are you talking about? I don't owe you
anything for this". A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then
says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which
constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of
remuneration". The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you
beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again". The next day,
same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I
can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!". The guy says "What are you
talking about? I've never been in this place in my life", to which the bartender
replies "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double." To which
the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."
The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Atlantic
Ocean. Tragically, they all died and went to the pearly gates together. "Oh, this is
terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but
this is just one of those coincidences that happen. St. Peter was fretting, "Since we
weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready. We can't take you in just yet and
we can't send you back." Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer,
this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting
them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a
while. It'll only be a couple of days. I'll owe you one." Reluctantly, the Devil
agreed. Two days later... "Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three
clowns. This Pope guy is forgiving everybody, the Graham fellow is saving everybody, and
Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."
There were two men at a doctor's office one day. The first man looked over at the second
and says, "What are you here for, mister?" The second man looks over at his new
found friend and replies, "Well, I'm here to be circumcised." The first man
turns his head to make an awful face as he thought of the extreme pain, then returns to
face the second man. "Well, buddy. I was about two or three days old when I had that
done to me..." and then I did not walk for a year.
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet
coke...
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the
counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave
useless things and junk in boxes in the garage
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting
so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of
eight...
Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well:
"Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning
"blood-sucking creatures"...
A couple met at Hilton Head and fell in love. They were discussing how they would
continue the relationship after their vacations were over. "It's only fair to
warn you, Jody, I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf"
"Well, since you're being honest, so will I," she said. "I'm a
hooker." "I see," said Bill as he thought for a moment. "Well,
it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the
ball."
A true story out of San Francisco.
It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch
and wrote 'This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag,' on a deposit
slip.
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry
that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached
the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells
Fargo bank there. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the
Wells Fargo teller. She read it, and surmising from his spelling errors that
he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not
accept his stick-up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip
and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to
Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK,' and left the Wells
Fargo. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few
minutes later. He was waiting in line back at the Bank of America.
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store
chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said: "I'd like to buy
a bra for my wife" "What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?"
inquires the man "There is more than one type?" "Look around," said
the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material.
"Actually even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of
bra's," replied the salesclerk. Confused, the man asked what were the types. The
saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and The Baptist type.
Which one do you need?" Still confused the man asked "What is the difference
between them?" The lady responded "It's all really quite simple. The Catholic
type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen. The Baptist type
makes mountains out of mole hills.
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat,
the other in the middle seat. Just before take off a fat, little Israeli guy got on and
took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was
settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a
coke." "No problem, I will get it for you" While he was gone, the Arab
picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the
other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too." Again, the
Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the other Arab picked up the
other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and
enjoyed the short flight to New York. As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his
feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go
on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples, this hatred, this animosity,
this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"
One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by.
Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking
solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in
the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said
Bill. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Bill then
asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law.
My dog bit her and she died as well." Bill thought about this for a while. He finally
asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?"
To which the man replied, "Get in line."
SOME CAMPING TIPS
=When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the
campsites on either side vacant.
=Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and
eating all the ants.
=Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire.
=When smoking a fish, never inhale.
=A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works
almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
=You'll never be awakened by the call of a loon if you have an unlisted number.
=The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges.
=Steer clear of parks named for landfills.
=Acupuncture was invented by a camper who found a porcupine in his sleeping bag.
=While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained
largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.
=Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in
a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add
absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.
=Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before
applying the match.
=You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your
compass.
=You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage
bag with several geese.
=When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose
on.
=You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your
car.
=Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one
ear. If the beam shines
out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.
=A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
=A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish.
=A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
=You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then breathing on a pile of
dry sticks.
=In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a
slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.
=The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
=A large carp can be used for a pillow.
=Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be warn camping. Buy only
those that read "Beat on a rock in stream."
=The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man,
however, does
absolutely nothing for the eagle.
=It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a
large motor home.
=Effective January 1, 1999, you will actually have to enlist in the Swiss Army to get a
Swiss Army Knife.
=Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is
getting them on the bears. In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be
used to strangle a snoring tent mate.
Birthing
An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far
out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the
laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the
woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while,the
doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to
take his first breath.
"Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there
in the first place!"
A Jew, a Christian, and a Muslim were having a discussion about who was the most
religious. "I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed the
Muslim. Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come
as I lay next to my camel while we were being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But
I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah. I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for a
hundred meters all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim
and am now learning to recite the Quran by memory."
"One day while fishing," started the Christian, " I was in my little dinghy
in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought
my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up and down in the rough ocean. But I did
not lose my faith in Jesus Christ. I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 300 meters all
around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now
teaching young children about Him."
"One day I was walking down the road," explained the Jew, " I was in my
most expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York city. Suddenly I saw a black bag
on the ground in front of me appear from nowhere. I put my hand inside and found that it
was full of cash. I truly thought my end had come as it was a Saturday and we are not
allowed to handle money on the Sabbath. But I did not lose my faith in Jehovah. I prayed
and prayed and suddenly, for 500 meters all around me, it was Tuesday... "
Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hunery cannibals who put
them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and left them there. A few
minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably. The other
missionary can't believe it! He said, What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive!
They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this I just peed in the
soup
An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist....
....."Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a
ruby broach, and gold Rolex. " "But you are not wearing any of those
things."
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure
he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the
jewelry.
Watch What You Say!
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave
his famous Onesmall step for man, one ~~~>giant leap for mankind" statement but
followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and
Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic
remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASSA. thought it was a casual
remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky
in either the Russian
Or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the
"Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. On
July 5, 1995 in Tampa bay FL. while answering questions following a speech, a reporter
brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr.
Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer question. When he was a
kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball
which landed in the front of his neighbor' bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. &
Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to
pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. " Oral
sex! You want oral sex? ! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the
moon
True story.
I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Age 6 I've
learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent
Night". Age 7 I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop
what
they are doing and wave back. Age 9 I've learned that just when I get my room the
way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up. Age 12 I've learned that if you want to
cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 13 I've
learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with
me. Age 15 I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of
advice. Age 24 I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great
pleasures. Age 25 I've learned that wherever I go, the worlds worst drivers have
followed me there. Age 29 I've learned...that if someone says something unkind about
me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 39 I've learned that there are
people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. Age 41 I've learned
that you can make someone's day by simply sending them a little card. Age 44 I've
learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his need to cast blame on
others. Age 45 I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age
46 I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for
hours. Age 49 I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from
the phone. Age 50 I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he
handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
Age 52
I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58
I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, try to improve
your marriage. Age 61 I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
Age 62 I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both
hands. You need to be able to throw
something back. Age 64 I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you.
But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and
doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65 I've learned that
whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66
I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72
I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I've seen
several. Age 73 I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
Age 82
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human
touch-holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 85 I've
learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92